Fears

I have been wrestling with the feeling that I am only existing, not actually living. This has led me to contemplate what it is that needs to change in order for me to feel like I am living again.

In my contemplations I realized that I have once again gotten stuck in my comfort zone.    In order to move out of my comfort zone means that I have to face my fears.  But, it is so much easier to use my fears to keep me from moving forward.

              Fear is actually a good thing.  It means we realize that something needs to be done.  If we don’t feel fear, we won’t make changes, because we aren’t acknowledging that anything needs to change.  The key is not to let fear paralyse you.

I have gone through this before.  I was married very young, had a daughter, and when she was in high school, I figured it was time to start thinking of myself and where I wanted to go with my life.  I had left my first husband, and was ready to start a new, improved life. 

I decided to face my fears, and go to college.  I picked a career that had interested me since I had been in high school, and I dove in to it.  Then: surprise, surprise, I discovered that I was pregnant.  This was the last thing I expected.  I hadn’t used birth control ever.  I had tried many different things to get pregnant again after my daughter was born, and never succeeded.  I was due one semester before I was to complete my degree.

This started a new phase in my life, albeit not the new phase I was anticipating.  This pregnancy turned my whole life upside down and challenged everything I knew.  (A whole other story to get in to)

To make a long story short, I have basically become a recluse.  I had three children within three years and they have kept me busy for the last 9 years.   I chose to be a stay at home mom, because I wanted to be the one to raise my children.  I wanted to see all the firsts, be completely involved in their lives.

After nine years of giving all I have, I now feel that I am just existing, once again.  I ache for more adult stimulation, yet am afraid to put myself out there.

 I know a job would help financially as well as mentally, yet I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the mom plus job scenario.  Even though I know a million women do it every day. 

But they don’t have MY kids who need ME!  My inner voice screams at me.  The voice that is completely happy where she is.  In that darn comfort zone.  Then the other voice screams: Yeah, what about me?!?  The one who needs social interaction (not just with single digit aged people), the one that craves some excitement, some creativity, and some sense of fulfillment derived from experiences outside of my family. 

There is the issue of following my dreams, and making a difference in the world.  How has all this become so scary?  How did I end up in that darn comfort zone again? 

I do believe I am at a point in my life that it is time to face my fears again.  Dive in and feel them.   Deal with those fears and soar with the feeling that comes along with it.  For it will be in feeling the fear and conquering it that I will know that I am not only alive, but also LIVING.

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